Finding forgiveness means very different things to many different people. Being forgiven is much different from forgiving someone for doing something to you directly. Forgiving yourself seems an entirely different task. Time seems to make forgiving in general an easier task. Maybe that is the forgetting part of saying “forgive and forget”

I also believe there are many levels of forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness you give an acquaintance is very different from the kind you give your mother, daughter or husband. Family forgiveness is on a much deeper level. There is a superficial forgiveness you can just put out there to keep the peace and move on from a situation. I am finding that with addiction and recovery comes a lot of thought around forgiveness. When using, you quickly run out of anyone giving you forgiveness. And when in early sobriety, giving forgiveness can be very difficult. As holding on to all the reason why you’re angry are all good reasons to continue justifying active addiction. Also, in the infancy of sobriety getting forgiveness seems unreachable at times with loved ones who are fearful of relapse. It can take much longer to regain trust from the people who have been most affected by our behavior. I do not think you can really begin to heal from the damage caused by choices made while using until you learn to forgive and trust yourself again.

Today is a day of forgiveness for me, I was able to celebrate our son’s 2nd birthday.

I am forgiving myself sometimes on a moment by moment basis. But I am also hopeful that I have been forgiven by the ones I have hurt the most. My son was born May 6th, 2015 and immediately removed from my custody as well as my other minor children due to my addiction and drug use during pregnancy. He was taken within minutes to the NICU and he began to fight for his little life. It was moments before I gave birth that the realization of what I had done began to sink in. Somehow prior to me walking into that ER with a placenta abruption I did not yet fully believe this could have happened to me. From the moment I began hemorrhaging that day, I knew our family had forever changed. I am now thankful I had the courage, to be honest from the moment I had contact with the medical staff, but at the time it was so shameful. This is the moment of truth in my life. The beginning of the thought I now have so often. Will this sweet little angel, a gift from god ever be able to forgive me for what I have done to him? This must be a question so many people have. How could I have done this to an innocent baby? How can I live with myself, how can I face anyone after this? How do I ever learn to forgive myself for what I have done? And how will my family ever move on from this terrible event? How will my 7-year-old son ever trust me again after his violent removal from our home? So much trauma had been caused by my actions. I have had to ask myself these questions countless times in the last two years. But the one that has been weighing in on me the hardest is. What will my sweet baby think of me when he is old enough to know how traumatic his precious life started. Will he be able to forgive me? Will I have shown him enough of a nurturing childhood to understand I really did not know how to ask for help? What will I say to him when talking about his childhood stories? That the shame put on a pregnant mother at that time was more than I could bear to ask for help? That I had no idea where to look for resources in the short time that I knew I was pregnant. Forgiveness is something I hope to raise him with. I have been given a wonderful opportunity to lead by example. I was lucky and was able to overcome so many obstacles and work extremely hard to have a positive outcome after my children were removed. But so many mothers do not have the ability to overcome their addiction. We were also fortunate in that our children were eventually placed with family after being in an emergency placement. Although at the time, it created a hardship on our relationship with them, we have become very close and are all working together for the best family we can be. They remain a very stable part of the boy’s life. I hope to find a place helping other families in need, mothers who may be too scared to ask for help. For fear of that shame, I felt the day I walked into that ER to have my beautiful son. Finding my forgiveness is something I believe will happen over time. I am fortunate in that my husband has been by my side when there was not much of a reason to stand there. I have a family who has found their own way of forgiving me. As well as some who have not. And that’s okay. It is okay because I am forgiving myself, and have become a better person from all this. I believe I am a much better mother than I ever was prior to my use. I have 5 children, ages 21 to 9 months and we are all working together to overcome what could have been a devastating scenario that is far too common amongst addicts. It seems to be a norm amongst drug users to have had their children removed. Either by the authorities or family members. While going through my case with CPS I saw so many families who I am sure will not have the ability to be reunified. My case was set with the primary placement plan for adoption for our two younger boys. Had I not made a significant change in behavior when I did, my boys would not be home today.

I also have a 9-month-old daughter who I became pregnant within the midst of this open case. I worked very hard to gain sobriety, worked with a great team of professionals and followed a program that included Subutex to decrease the likelihood of relapse during pregnancy. This is something that I know helped in my success and is far too difficult for some of these mothers in need to obtain.

It is very sad to see how many kids are eaten up in the foster care system due to addiction crippling their families. I know that with education and hopefully opening up resources we can begin to make a change in this very vicious cycle of addiction.